


Brighter Than A Blue Sky

by neighborhoodwitch



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26146435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neighborhoodwitch/pseuds/neighborhoodwitch
Summary: just a sad fic that started because i listened to heather by conan gray too many times
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	Brighter Than A Blue Sky

It was december 13, exactly ten days after december 3rd, the day was still burned into his mind. His alarm was ringing on his night stand, it had been for 3 minutes now, but he couldn’t find the energy to turn it off and get out of bed. So he lay there listening to it ring, staring up at the ceiling, with a sweatshirt that was too big for him clutched to his chest. 

Fifteen minutes later he heard someone pounding on the front door. His mother's concerned voice floated up the stairs, he turned on his side and curled up to hide from his alarm. The sweatshirt contained his little ball of warmth. Loud footsteps came up the stairs, he sounded angry, of course he was angry, he had been angry for the past ten days. Even if they didn’t talk about it. 

His door swung open so violently that it hit the wall, he wondered if it left another dent he would have to cover. “Shittykawa will you please-” The voice cut off at the sight in front of him, Hajime was here, seeing him curled up in bed with a sweatshirt that isn't his hiding from the world. “What are you doing?” The snarl in his voice barely softened, it didn’t make Oikawa feel better. When he didn’t answer his friend, if they were still friends, rudely ripped the blankets off of him, exposing him to the cold air of his room. Oikawa only curled in on himself more, he didn’t want to face Hajime, he didn’t want to face the team. He wanted to stay right here, alone. “Get up, you are already making us late.”

He wasn’t going to respond, he was going to give Hajime the silent treatment until he left, but his traitorous mouth got the better of him. “Go without me, I know you want to pick up Runa.” A small growl escaped Hajime’s lips, he shouldn’t be calling him Hajime, even in his own thoughts. This was Iwa-Chan. Iwa-Chan. They were best friends. His Iwa-Chan. Not Hajime.

“Stop being a bitch about it and get up already. She can wait a little longer if you hurry up.” Something fluttered in his chest, maybe this wasn’t ruined. Maybe his world wasn’t falling apart at the seams. Maybe they could be okay. “Fine. I’m leaving then, get your own ride to school or something.” He had taken too long to respond, Hajime was leaving. Part of him wanted to reach out and pull him back, to beg on his hands and knees for forgiveness, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It wasn’t until the front door closed that he realized Hajime had turned off his alarm. 

\---

It was three days before Oikawa went to school again. He wouldn’t have gone back if it wasn’t for practice though, three days off was way too much and he needed to make up for it. Oikawa was good at hiding what he was feeling, so while he was recounting his tale about how he thought this sickness was going to kill him, his mind couldn’t stop nagging telling him something was missing. He fought back those thoughts with a tight smile he glued to his face. It didn’t matter that Iwaizumi wasn’t at practice yet, and yes he was calling him Iwaizumi now, he was probably just running late. With Runa. Probably making out in some hallways. He quickly patched the crack in his facade. 

He started up practice without their ace, it couldn’t be delayed any longer, if Iwaizumi wasn’t coming that was on him. Twenty minutes into practice he had everyone running receiving drills and the gym doors flew open. Silence fell over the room as Iwaizumi rushed in, careful to keep his head down. At least he was in his gear. “Back to practicing.” He snapped at them, before crossing his arms and leveling a stare at his ‘friend’ from across the gym. His lips were swollen and there was a pink blush high on his cheeks, he had been right. “Start with five laps, then I’ll consider letting you play.” Iwaizumi’s lip curled, but he started his punishment without complaint.

He did end up letting Iwaizumi play in the end, after about ten more laps around the gym just for his own personal enjoyment. He set, Iwaizumi spike, someone received. They had done it a thousand times and the repetition hadn’t gone away. Every ball he hit flew perfectly into Iwaizumi’s range, every combo they practiced together was executed flawlessly without a word spoken between them. Some might have thought it was because they didn’t need to speak, they were that insync, and to some degree that was true, he could still read Iwaizumi like an open book when it came to volleyball. Always knowing the perfect place to set. The same couldn’t be said outside the gym anymore.

  
  


Oikawa took responsibility for cleaning up like he always did, partly to apologize for missing three days, but also because it was the perfect opportunity to practice and practice without anyone being there to stop him. Well, usually Iwaizumi stopped him eventually, their routine never wavering. Bid goodbye to the rest of the team, Oikawa promised not to push himself, Iwaizumi left to go do homework at another part of the school, a few hours later he would return to drag an overworked and in pain Oikawa home.

That didn’t happen this time. He was watching the clock tick slowly. An hour passed, no sign of Iwaizumi since they said a halted goodbye at the gym doors. Another hour, he had been working on his jump serves to make sure they were perfect. His knee was starting to ache, but no Iwaizumi came so he didn’t stop. Hour three, every step he took felt like a knife twisting in his leg, but he retrieved ball after ball and did set after set. Hour four, it was well back sunset, Iwaizumi hadn’t come. He wasn’t sure why he bothered holding out hope. 

His eyes watered with every step as he slowly cleaned the gym. He bit back hisses and groans at a wrong step and tried to ignore the voice in his head calling him an idiot, it was Iwa-chan’s voice. Not Iwaizumi or Hajime, Iwa-chan. God how he missed that voice.

It was another half hour before he shut off the lights and locked the doors behind him. No Iwaizumi. So he started the walk home alone in the dark, shivering from the winter chill as silent tears slid down his cheeks. Guilt was eating him up inside, but he pulled the sweatshirt from that morning with Hajime out of his bag and pulled it on over his jersey. It didn’t smell like Iwa-chan anymore, but it was soft and warm. And it hung so far off his shoulders it looked like it would slide off. And the arms gathered around his wrists because he had nowhere near the amount of bulk needed to fill this sweatshirt. 

Every step made him want to whimper, but he wouldn’t, he wasn’t weak. So instead any stray tears were caught by this soft fabric and any noises of pain were quickly bit back. Everything was a secret in the night anyways, so he didn’t feel too guilty.

\---

Oikawa didn’t sleep at all that night, alternating between the pain in his knee, the pain in his head, and the pain in his chest. So when he arrived at school alone the next morning, alone and limping with his glasses askew, the gossip started immediately. By the time he got to lunch he had had more than one person come up to him and ask who had died and if he was okay. He gave them a polite smile and assured them he and his family were okay, he had just stayed up late studying. It wasn’t technically a lie, if studying consisted of looking back at every choice he had made in their friendship and how it got him here and what he could have done to get a different outcome. No matter how hard he thought, the real answer was always there in big blinking letters.

Don’t kiss your best friend! Your straight best friend! With a girlfriend! It’s a bad idea!

He dropped his lunch tray on the table with a clatter, then winced at the noise. He didn’t want to eat, he wasn’t hungry, he just got it so nobody would harass him about it later. Maki and Mattsun were engaged in some loud conversation with each other and Iwaizumi hadn’t arrived yet. Maybe he was eating lunch with Runa and her friends. With a small groan to himself, he stretched his bad knee out under the table and rested his forehead against the cool wood. A headache had been pounding behind his eyes since he woke up that morning, he didn’t need to go making it worse.

Thankfully, Mattsun and Maki didn’t even acknowledge his presence past some quick greetings. They were completely engrossed in whatever debate they were having. Just as he felt his eyes sliding shut and his brain finally relaxing, there was another clatter on the table. 

He looked up, ready to murder whoever dared to make such a loud noise while he was clearly trying to sleep, but when his eyes met Iwaizumi’s he couldn’t bring himself to do anything more than groan. “You look like shit.” Was all that was said. No ‘hey Oikawa, how are you’ ‘hey Oikawa, I broke up with my girlfriend for you’ ‘hey Oikawa, i'm in love with you’. Actually, he would take one of those stupid nicknames over anything right now, he hated how much he missed them. 

“Thanks. I try.” He bit out, crossing his arms on the table to hopefully block out some of the chatter. That was the end of it, nobody else tried to talk to him, nobody else wanted to when he was in a mood like this. Good, that was the point.

“Oh my god, Oikawa are you okay?” A high pitched voice floated down from right above his head, to most it was probably melodic, to him it sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard. Runa.

He sat up and plastered a casual smile onto his face. He might have ruined things with Iwaizumi, but he wasn’t selfish enough to steal his girlfriends attention away. Well… maybe he was, he filed that little idea away for later use. “Couldn’t be better.” He didn't even try to keep the bitterness out of his voice, he wanted to cut deep. “What’s it to you?” He watched the concern in her eyes flicker with hurt and felt Iwaizumi’s glare land on him. Shit, now he felt bad. “Sorry… that was rude, I had a long night. That’s all.” She gave a small nod and bid goodbye to their table, giving Iwaizumi a soft kiss before going to meet her friends. 

As soon as she was gone he got a hard punch on the shoulder, not that he wasn’t used to it. “Don’t be such an asshole next time why don’t you?” He didn’t respond, he just put his head back down on the table. His skin prickled at their concerned gazes, but he ignored them, electing to keep his head down until the bell rang to signal that lunch was over. He hadn’t ended up eating anything.

\---

Do better. 

Do better.

Do better.

The matra rang out in his head every time his serve hit the ground.  _ Bang.  _ Do better.  _ Bang.  _ Do better.  _ Bang.  _ Do better.  _ Bang.  _ Do better.  _ Bang- _

He stumbled when his feet hit the floor. Shit. His bad knee landed hard, but he managed to stay standing. Shit that hurt. God. He lowered himself down to the group and whimpered as he stretched his leg out. He had really done it this time, it was a few days after the incident at lunch, and he had been staying late every night since. Iwaizumi hadn’t come to pull him out, so he hadn’t stopped. He pushed until his body gave out, then he did the long walk home which he spent fighting back tears of loneliness and pain. He iced his knee and did his homework until his mind gave out. When he was too exhausted to stay awake, he crawled into bed with the stolen sweatshirt and went to sleep.

His fingers shook as he freed himself from the knee pads and brace. The skin was red and angry, and he could see how it was beginning to swell. He had really done it this time. He hissed when it got jostled. He wouldn’t be able to walk home like this. Horrible pain was ringing through his body, but he managed to stand. He could feel the pounding in his head now. His phone was in his bag, his bag was in the locker room, the locker room was across the gym. Fuck. His legs wobbled and threatened to give out every step. The pain was overwhelming, so he let his mind wander to anything but how bad he messed up tonight.

Instead of thinking about his knee, he thought about Iwaizumi. It was December 20th, seventeen days since December 3rd. Seventeen days since he had made Iwaizumi smile or laugh. Seventeen days without his best friend. God Oikawa knew he was stupid, but he never thought he would mess up so bad Iwaizumi would stop talking to him. He had chosen Runa, sweet, innocent Runa who had done nothing to warrant his hatred of her. She was an angel and she was perfect for Iwaizumi, they were perfect for each other, he shouldn’t hate her, but an evil part of him wanted her dead anyways. He wanted her gone. He wanted everything to go away, To go back to how it had been before she came into their lives. But even as he wished death and pain on her he knew deep down things would never go back. She hadn’t ruined his life, he had managed it all on his own. That’s what you get for kissing your best friend while he was telling you about his new girlfriend. 

He had just made it past the net when his leg gave out, but before he hit the ground a strong arm caught him around the waist. “What the hell are you doing?!” He looked to his savior in a haze of pain and self pity, but found himself looking into the face of Iwa-Chan. Concern and rage marred his handsome features. 

It felt nice to be pressed against his chest and wrapped in strong arms. He felt himself start to relax into the feeling before jerking himself out of it. He rushed to extract himself from his friend, biting back a hiss as he put weight on his knee again. “Nothing. Just cleaning up.” They both ignored the shakiness of his voice. They stood opposite each other, Iwaizumi’s arms folded across his chest, Oikawa’s hands clenched into fists so tight his nails dug into his palms.

“It’s almost midnight.”

“Exactly, so why are you here?”

“Why are you here?”

“I asked first.”

“Answer the question, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi’s voice had lowered to a growl that made his hair stand up.

“Practicing.” He bit out. “Your turn.” Why was Iwaizumi here? Like he had said, it was almost midnight, he knew he had gone on a date but that doesn’t explain his presence at the school.

“Makki called, he said you weren’t picking up your phone and he asked me to come check on you.” Something curled in his chest, Iwaizumi had come to check on him again. “I’m taking you home. This ruined my date.” That warm feeling was squashed in seconds.

Of course this wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart, Oikawa was starting to doubt if he even had a heart. No he was here because he knew Makki would bug him about it for days if he didn’t. “It’s fine, you can leave. You checked on me, I’m alive. Yay.” His voice was flat, even lacking the bitterness he had felt for days.

“What’s your plan? Walk home in the middle of the night with your knee like that.” The mention of his knee brought his attention to the overwhelming pain in his body. He quickly shoved it to the back of his mind, but Iwaizumi still reached out as he swayed on his feet.

He knocked his hand away. “You didn’t seem concerned the last seventeen days I’ve done it, don’t bother starting now.” He wanted to walk away, but he was putting all of his energy into just staying upright.

Iwaizumi softened a bit, it was only then Oikawa realized he let it slip that he had been counting. “I know that, but at least let me take you home tonight.” Before he could stop them hot tears flooded his vision and threatened to spill over. He turned his head away without responding, he didn’t think he could speak around the lump in his throat. “Toru…” The tears spilled out and slid down his cheeks. Iwaizumi took a step forward and he made no attempt to stop him. Then, he felt strong arms wrapping around him and he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

It was midnight in the middle of December, and he was standing in the gym shaking apart in his best friends arms. He didn’t make a sound, but his shoulders shook as tears decorated his face. He was falling apart at the seams, everything that made him Oikawa was slipping through his fingers and it was all his fault. Even being wrapped in Iwaizumi’s arms didn’t make him feel better, all he could hear was the matra in his head. 

_ Weak. _

_ Do better. _

_ Not good enough. _

He let Iwaizumi lead his weak body over to the stands and sit him down, stretching out his legs before he disappeared into the locker room. Probably to grab Oikawa’s bag. Balls still littered the gym floor and it was probably slick with his sweat and tears, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about how much trouble he would be in tomorrow. All he could do right now was keep his head in his hands as he tried to stop the flood of tears that spilled down his face.

_ Pathetic. _

_ Broken. _

_ Can’t even make it one night without needing his help. _

_ Pathetic. _

Iwaizumi comes back with both Oikawa’s bags slung over his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look up, but he went willingly when a strong hand pulled him to his feet then wrapped around his waist. Taking on as much weight as Oikawa would let him. They didn’t say anything as they locked the door behind the messy gym or as they walked to the parking lot. Tears still glistened on his cheeks and more spilled out when Iwaizumi gently pushed him into the car. He could still smell Runa’s perfume.

_ Not good enough.  _

_ Do better. _

He watched Iwaizumi through wet lashes as they drove home. More tears glistened on his cheeks, he couldn’t stand feeling like this. He was Oikawa Toru, he wasn’t supposed to feel like this, he was supposed to be invincible. But he wasn't invincible, he was far from it, he was bruised and battered and falling apart while everyone watched. He just wasn't good enough. He was trying to do better but he couldn't. Iwaizumi didn't want him, he had never been good enough for him, he wasn't even enough for Iwaizumi to keep around. Not when Runa was there.

_ Weak. _

He took in his strong jaw and tanned skin. How could Oikawa not fall in love? Since the very beginning he wanted Iwazumi, they had just always made sense in his mind. He just hadn't been enough.

_ Nothing. _

Iwaizumi didn't say anything at the quiet sob that fell from his lips. They didn't say anything as Oikawa turned away and curled in on himself. Hands over his mouth to muffle his sobs, but they ripped free from his chest. Like he hadn't cried enough. He hated this, he hated feeling like this. He hated Iwaizumi for doing this to him. He hated Runa and her stupidly perfect existence. He hated himself. Because he was weak. He wasn't good enough. He needed to do better. He was pathetic. He was broken. And he hated himself.

_ Nothing. _

Iwaizumi pulled up in front of his house, but Oikawa didn't move. He wasn't sure he could stand. He felt like he was going to be sick. Tears still streamed down his face. He wanted to die.

_ Broken. _

After a few more minutes of his quiet sobs, Iwaizumi turned off the car. He was going to throw him out, Oikawa didn't blame him. Instead his door opened and Iwaizumi knelt down to this level. "Toru..." A new sob fought it way free from his chest. A warm hand landed on his good knee and he whimpered.

_ Pathetic. _

"Come here Toru..." And for the second time that night Oikawa sobbed in his arms. This time a loud, ugly sound fell from his lips and his fingers dug into Iwaizumi's strong arms hard enough to leave little crescent marks. He couldn't stop, it was like being with Iwaizumi made him feel everything ten times deeper than before. He didn't want him.

_ Worthless. _

A new round of tears rose up and he clung to him harder. This was a goodbye, this was the end. There was nothing left here, he had lost his Iwa-chan and it was only a matter of time before he lost volleyball. With a knee like this he knew his time was limited. He just hadn't accepted it yet. So he spent an indefinite amount of time clinging onto his entire world before it slipped away from him for good. They had one more chance to get to nationals. Then graduation. This was the end. He couldn’t do it.

_ Weak. _

When he finally got control of his breathing enough that only a few tears dripped down his cheeks, he pulled back. There was a wet spot on Iwaizumi’s chest and Oikawa’s nails had left marks on both arms. He only just realized how nicely he was dressed, right, date. He wiped his eyes, even if it didn’t do much. “Toru. What’s wrong?”

_ Pathetic. _

His eyes didn’t water. He didn’t cry. But his heart twisted in his chest. He hesitated but reached out and brushed the back of his hand across Iwaizumi’s cheek. “You don’t want me.” His voice came out broken and watery, but his statement echoed around them in the night. There was a broken whisper of ‘Toru’ came, but he ignored it in favor of wincing as he stood. Without words, he took his bags and walked to his front door, Iwaizumi followed.

_ Broken. _

He turned when he got to his door. “Toru please, I never meant to hurt you.” But you did said the bitter part of him. You crushed me. “Please just listen to me.”

_ Weak. _

“I’m so sorry, Hajime, I messed this up and I know that, but I think you see me in pain and want to help, but we both know this too broken. I never deserved you anyways, it was only a matter of time before you realized that.” Now it was Iwaizumi’s turn to tear up. “Go home, Hajime.” His voice was steady for the first time that night. They looked at each other, all tear stained cheeks and red eyes. This was the end. Eventually Iwaizumi nodded, the words between them didn’t need to be voiced, they already knew. ‘I love you, Toru’ ‘I wish that was the truth’ He left. He got back in his car and drove to his own home. He left. Oikawa collapsed against the door as soon as he closed it, no tears fell but he couldn't stop shaking. He had…

_ Nothing. _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading i hope you enjoyed it!! this is my first haikyuu fic and i’m pretty new to the fandom so thanks


End file.
